Who I Was Meant to Be
by Chicleeblair
Summary: Lying in a hospital bed George O'Malley thinks about those who have not recognized him, and why the name John Doe isn't far from the truth.


Being reduced to John Doe was far less disconcerting than it should have been. This thought was one of the few that managed to penetrate the fog of George's brain as he lay on the hospital bed. He was no longer George O'Malley when they stood above him ridiculing his decision to join the Army, but he was not sure that he had been George O'Malley for a long time.

He remembered going up to speak to Meredith in the locker room, and how long ago two years seemed, he had been bumbling. He had been awkward and seemed gay. But he had been 'heart-in-the-elevator' guy. He was the guy to whom his two roomates went when they were upset. He was dependable. He was George. And then? They Then he had pushed too hard.

Meredith was with him again, smiling and giving him talk that they gave patients. It was odd that the words 'we're assessing your injuries and we're going to do all that we can' could seem comforting when he knew that they were not a guarantee of anything. Maybe it was Meredith's voice that was comforting him. He could see in her eyes how much she had grown in the past two years. If he were still in love with her, chances were he would be even more in love with this mature, put-together Meredith.

He was glad that it had been Derek to help her through, in the end. George, safe dependable George, had ended up being the unstable one, hadn't he? His entire marriage had lasted less time than Derek's period of trying with his wife. And Meredith respected the trying.

He could see the worry crease her brow while she checked his vitals. He wondered if it were all for him. More likely it was for Izzie. How was Izzie? Had she regained her memory? The thought of her losing her ability to form new memories was chilling, because George knew the memories that she already had. She was not the princess they had all thought she was at the beginning. Yes, she baked. And yes, she had a gorgeous body. But there was darkness, and pain.

And Alex had her. Alex, the king of darkness and pain would be able to relate to that. Her brightness would be good for him, sure, but there was more than that to them. Alex could hold her up until she was well, and then they would hold each other up.

So they had each other, and Callie had Dr. Robbins, and those were his girls, taken care of. If he did not make it off of this hospital bed… the interns

No. This infuriated him, for a reason that the pain medication would not let him pinpoint. He did not want to leave them. It was so selfish, really, to want to keep the Christmas Eves lying under the tree to watch the lights, or the confrontations with the interns in hospital bathrooms. He was _George_, he was going to be George again. He wanted to be the one they leaned on when they were sick, and the one who knew their secrets. They _were_ his sisters, and he hated himself for never being satisfied with that.

Yes, they took him for granted, and they underestimated him. But he had let that happen. He just had to show them, he could be dependable George, and the guy who holds it together in a crisis. He should have been with them sitting around Izzie's bedside, not planning some grand gesture to prove his worth. He did not want them to realize that he was worthy after he was gone, or even just injured. He wanted the chance to see them realize that he was George and he would always be there.

Why was he so stupid? Why was he willing to leave them just when he realized that wanted to be noticed by them for being who he was?

Because he was not who he was. He was not who he used to be.

Meredith was back. She had to know who he was. He was not going to let himself be invisible any more. But it would not be 'George' that he spelled into her hand. He did not know who George was.

0

0

7

Double-oh-seven. Because when he was double-oh-seven he had known who he was. And he wanted a chance to be that guy again. He grasped Meredith's hand tightly wanting her to know, wanting her to know that he was still there, was still her friend. And he would always be.

Or at least, he hoped he would get the chance to continue to be.

A/N I know, I know all the rumors. But I can't let George go. And there will be another one-shot after this because I have more to say. Also, probably no long ones this year, I'm applying for grad school. But I said that last year, didn't I?


End file.
